Until Death Do Us Part

 Today, was a day to celebrate; to rejoice and celebrate our 30 years of marriage.  I did, but then was overcome by the sadness from the loss of Todd.  He will never have a happily ever after.  One could argue, he did...so many say, "He died doing what he loved."  NO, HE DIDN'T!  He died a tragic death, too young and with so much more life to live.  

There was nothing good that came from his death. No silver lining.

"Recovering" from his tragic death is a day-to-day, struggle.  Each day still brings challenges for our whole family.  

December 5, 2020

 ST. CLOUD, Minn. — A Stearns County man died in a farm accident Saturday, Dec. 5.

At approximately 6:39 a.m. Saturday, the Stearns County Communications Center received a call reporting a farm accident at 18726 State Hwy. 22. The caller provided information that Todd Sieben had been operating a skid steer loader, moving large hay bales, and was near a manure pit. While operating the skid steer, Sieben got close to the edge and the skid steer rolled into the manure pit. Sieben was trapped in the skid steer and was unable to get out.

Stearns County Sheriff’s Office deputies, along with Eden Valley Rescue, Watkins Ambulance and a Life Link medical helicopter, responded to the call. A large tow truck was also requested to assist at the scene. While the tow truck was enroute, attempts were made to remove the skid steer with farm tractors, but those attempts were unsuccessful. The tow truck was able to remove the skid steer from the manure pit. Sieben was found dead inside the machine.

The accident remains under investigation.

The Blank Page

August.  If I were to ever write a book, it would end in the month of August.

August.  I'm reflecting the last day will always be our wedding anniversary.  We won't ever divorce, we are each others' soul mate.  Nothing will change that. Grow old with me the best is yet to be.

August.  The month begins with the anniversary of my dad's death. I know the date.  It isn't insignificant.  I lost my father. But, it was also the day my dad's five years of sadness of losing his wife finally ended.  That is more significant than my own loss.  My parents were united. Until death did they part

August.  The 29th day will always be the day my mother died and I became a motherless child. 

Pop the Question

I could preface this blog with a number of thoughts going through my head.  The best way to illustrate this wonderful life I live (and that's not sarcastic) is just to replay my telephone conversation with my one and only, son.

Me:  Hello, Son

Son: Hello, Mother (it's a strange, but very endearing greeting.  I smile every time I hear it)

Me:  I was calling to check if Tess would like a Caribou or Starbucks gift card for Valentine's Day, but I think, I've decided to get something else.

Son:  When's Valentine's Day?

Mother:  Oh, Isaac!  Where have I gone wrong?  I tried to do the best job I could...

Son:  You did...when is it?

Mother:  Valentine's Day is February 14th and it is the same day every year.

Son:  OK

Mother:  I suppose I better mail your Valentine's gifts before Valentine's Day...that way you will have the reminder...Isaac, it's next Friday.

Son:  OK, thanks.  

We ended the call with an, "I love you."

When I got home, I was telling the girls and Chuck about our conversation.  The girls giggled, "Oh, Isaac...Poor, Tess...."

Chuck paused and simply stated, "That's a valid question."

Grown and Flown

I remember the day that you were born.  I required two epidurals and even threw up during your delivery.  Though it wasn't necessarily a difficult pregnancy and delivery, you would be considered my "hardest delivery."

I remember a time when you were left home for the first time without a babysitter.  Isaac was in charge. While we were at a wedding, you called throughout the evening--crying and demanding we come home. I was upset, feeling our night was ruined.  I realized you weren't ready to be left home without a sitter, even if we thought you were.

Throughout the years you have taken your younger sisters under your wings; nurtured them as a mother...but, you also became a mother hen.  They would listen to you better than me.  Carley often stating, "We're afraid of Erika getting mad."

I appreciate the positive role model you have been to your sisters.  I love how your loyalty to your friends is fierce.  I am proud of your dedication to hard work; focusing on doing a good job while in the workforce and and applying your work ethic to your academia.   You impress me daily of how you have always remained true to who you are.

As you are ready to fly from the nest, I have no advice for you.  Though, I know this is difficult for you...and me, dad, Danielle and Carley...you are ready.  

You are ready.  Spread your wings.  Fly high.  We'll be the wind beneath your wings.

We love you.

Hello?

August.  The month I've recognized as a time of reflection since both of my parents died in this month.  I neither rejoice nor hate the month.  I can't. I still reflect...

Today, I reflect on the time, Jody and I were leaving for college and as we were about to get in my dad's blue Ford truck, my mother began to sob.  She said through tears and between breaths, "I can't do this. Joe, you have to go alone.  I have to stay home."  I remember looking at her in disbelief, looking at Dad and back at her, then stating, "You'll get over it."  It only made her cry harder and I thought she was insane.

We hooked up our phone after a little unpacking and in a matter of minutes it was ringing.  Who the hell was calling us?  I picked up the phone.  "Hello?"  I heard crying on the other end...it was Mom.  I assured her we were OK, we had lots to unpack and didn't have time to talk.  We would call HER.

Today, I wish I could call her.  To share the pride and sadness with her as I reflect on our second going off to college.  I am also reminded, that when she was dying, she said, "There will be times that you will want to pick up the phone and call me...you won't be able to...but, know that I am there for you."  She continued, "Not being able to call my own mom was the hardest thing for me when she died...that part never got easy."

No, it's not easy.

I don't know which is harder.  Erika going off to college or that you're not around to share in this milestone.  You have been dead for almost nine years, Dad four.  They all rank right up there and the tears fall down my face as I write this.

I'd call, but you wouldn't answer nor would I hear any voice on the other end.  Distantly, I hear your voice say,  "You'll get over it."

I don't think I ever will. Mom, I miss you every day.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I'll keep this blog simple.  On Monday, I begin a 6-week challenge which involves eating right and working out.  When I was working out a year ago, I was much happier and had more energy--yeah, yeah, yeah...it's true what "they" say.

I took "before" pictures, which even though my last post, I said I was going to post more photos, this time, I must refrain.  So, as I mentally prepare, I am brought back to a moment with my mother.

We were looking at pictures when she first retired and she was looking at a photo and said, "Who is that fat woman in this picture ?"  I've reached that point.  I hate having my picture taken, but cant wait for my first selfie after the six...12..18 weeks, but I haven't reached retirement age.

I'm committed and want to live longer than my mother; I want my grandchildren to remember me, as I remember my grandma.  I want to be the grandmother, my mother was to my children and my grandma was to me.

YOU and THEY are the greatest motivator on this journey.

Thanks for always being there for me.