It started with a slow strangulation, I was gasping for air; my words and actions were choked off on a daily basis. Deep breaths did not provide the oxygen I needed to survive. My skin started to turn a dusty gray, a knife went into my back. I struggled to survive, there was no hospice--no support with comfort measures. I was on my own. The knife went in deeper then twisted and twisted, I was numb to the pain. Finally, I resigned and died after a torturous death.
The joys of the afterlife came quickly. I spent time with my kids during the summer, fixed up the house and spent the last two weeks of my dad's life by his bedside. Though I went through the stages of grief with my dad quickly and now sit at depression; horribly missing him and carrying a heavy heart. I am still angry about my own death.
Shock: I can't believe another human being could treat someone like I was treated...
Denial: would of, could of, should of...what if?
Anger. Yep, I'm pissed. I gave 20 years of my life -- almost half of it--managing and being a large part of one of the most successful branches in the territory. Now, I'm stuck in purgatory, yet they weren't my sins...or were they?
I've had a lot of time for self-reflection, yes, I'm a little bored. I LOVE being a full-time mom and I never thought it would have as much joy as it does. Sure, I always got joy and fulfillment from my children, but this is a different kind of joy. Joy without the stress and that makes a difference to all of us. My new work demands have me running all over God's green earth for the children, (without mileage reimbursement), but when the kids are less stressed because of it..we are all happier. Looks like I'm moving onto bargaining...
Guilt: I miss having a paycheck and knowing that I contributed financially. I miss the "pocket cash." I know I work everyday; my heart and soul go into my daily duties and there is only pride. How can guilt exist knowing I'm doing my best at what I'm doing?
Depression: I thrive when I am surrounded by humans. I miss my kids when they are at school and the dogs can only provide so much companionship.
Acceptance and Hope: Just sent off another resume...
