Hello?

August.  The month I've recognized as a time of reflection since both of my parents died in this month.  I neither rejoice nor hate the month.  I can't. I still reflect...

Today, I reflect on the time, Jody and I were leaving for college and as we were about to get in my dad's blue Ford truck, my mother began to sob.  She said through tears and between breaths, "I can't do this. Joe, you have to go alone.  I have to stay home."  I remember looking at her in disbelief, looking at Dad and back at her, then stating, "You'll get over it."  It only made her cry harder and I thought she was insane.

We hooked up our phone after a little unpacking and in a matter of minutes it was ringing.  Who the hell was calling us?  I picked up the phone.  "Hello?"  I heard crying on the other end...it was Mom.  I assured her we were OK, we had lots to unpack and didn't have time to talk.  We would call HER.

Today, I wish I could call her.  To share the pride and sadness with her as I reflect on our second going off to college.  I am also reminded, that when she was dying, she said, "There will be times that you will want to pick up the phone and call me...you won't be able to...but, know that I am there for you."  She continued, "Not being able to call my own mom was the hardest thing for me when she died...that part never got easy."

No, it's not easy.

I don't know which is harder.  Erika going off to college or that you're not around to share in this milestone.  You have been dead for almost nine years, Dad four.  They all rank right up there and the tears fall down my face as I write this.

I'd call, but you wouldn't answer nor would I hear any voice on the other end.  Distantly, I hear your voice say,  "You'll get over it."

I don't think I ever will. Mom, I miss you every day.